Tuesday, February 23, 2010

My own black heart

Lately, we've been seeing a little girl's black heart run rampant. You might be surprised. We are not. We believe that we are all born sinners, with hearts black as coal. Little One wants that fireplace with all that she is. She seeks it out, she is determined that she will touch it and does not back down. And the books on the coffee table...the greasy fingerprints reveal the number of times she's ignored my "no's" and done what she wants. The amount of no's, hand squeezes, hand slaps, and redirection has about gotten the best of me.



And this is only the beginning. I am trying my darnedest to be consistent. Love of My Life and I are a unified front. That little girl KNOWS the good she ought to do, but continually turns the other direction. I have been frustrated and feel worn down with the discipline of an 11 month old.



I consider these days the beginning of the foundation. I want to pour it right, wisely, and with discretion. I don't want Little One's ears to be so full of "no's" that she ignores. I don't want to exasperate her over futile things. I repeat the same prayer over and over again, "Lord, pour out your wisdom. Help me to seize the teachable moments." When Little One understands what is right and chooses what is wrong, it pains me.




And then in the stillness, long after Little One has forgotten about the fireplace screen, I am reminded of my own blatant defiance towards my Savior. How many times has he grabbed my hand and lovingly whispered, "that is not the direction I want you to go." And how many times have I simply ignored Him. My sister has told me that one of the most painful parts of parenting is when you see your own sin in your child. Sister, I think we're already there.

8 comments:

The Slagleys said...

It is so hard to see that in your child, but you are absolutely right about that little black heart. People will try to tell you they are too young for that, but when you see that little glance that means they are about to BLATANTLY disobey, you know! Discipline wears me out, but I have to remember that it is for their best, and it pays off. Stay strong, consistency is the way to go!

Family Snodgrass said...

Oh, we are at the EXACT same point. Blatant disobedience. And it's so very hard. I actually emailed your sis for advice just last week and she gave me so much help. Good thing you've got her on speed dial! :) Andrew laughs at hand slaps, so we've moved on to full-out spankings. I hate it, but I hate more seeing a disobedient spirit grow in him.

Shealy said...

Oh my gosh - I talked about this same thing at bible study last night. It is breaking my heart! She just looks at us and smiles when we tell her no. It is crazy that we actually have to start being parents now! :)

Lew and Hart said...

Love this post, Katie! Stay strong. You are doing great!

Camille said...

Beautiful post! Hopped over from your sister's blog ~ and she is so right! Our children are like mirrors exposing our own sinfulness. How wonderful that the Lord is faithful and will give the needed wisdom and grace as we ask! (James 1:5) Be prepared...there is more to come, but as you look to the Lord you will be able to do more than you imagined! :)

Blessings,
Camille

Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

I just posted on this a week ago. It's called "Stubborn Mother". The Lord spoke to me as my own little baby girl was busy throwing herself back in my arms. You might check it out! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I hope you have a blessed day!

Wanting What I Have said...

Oh sister! Hang in there. You are doing a great job! Little One will know you love her deeply and intentionally as you lovingly discipline her and point her to Jesus. God will give you wisdom. Keep seeking Him! Love you and am so proud of you!

Ashley Turnbull said...

This is so good for me to hear, as I am right behind you in this parental journey :-) I know it's so hard, but I love that you are already thinking about all of this stuff!!