God is a Gracious God

I've been in Dixieto welcome another little nephew. My little sister delivered Baby B last Tuesday. Some of you might not think it's a big deal. Oh, another sister, another baby. But this baby is a miracle. He so easily might not have been.

My sis (A) is probably the bravest person I know. Last December, she found out she was expecting a baby. A was in school at Auburn, doing the whole college thing. She wasn't planning on a baby coming into the picture. She made a very hard choice...to keep this little life. She moved home, started working like crazy, and going to school. Baby B was welcomed to life by a dozen family and friends who had gathered at the hospital at 5:00 Tuesday morning! I have faith that God will use this little boy in big ways. In fact, He already has.

I haven't written anything about A's pregnancy because of the toll it took on my (and LOML's) heart. I was diagnosed a year ago with a syndrome called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It can affect women in many different ways. Basically, all it means for me is that I have hormones from hell and don't ovulate. If you paid any attention in biology you know that you have to ovulate to get pregnant. We worried about what this diagnosis would sentence us to. We were suddenly, unexpectedly thrown into these waves of the fear of infertility. It was a hard pill to swallow. I dealt with a broad spectrum of thoughts: If we had known this before getting married, would LOML have still married me? If we can't have a baby, it will all be my fault. Does God not see us fit to receive the "blessing" of our own children?

I was engaging in warfare against myself. Like I had control over any of it?! This just did not fit in the plan- MY plan for what life would hold. The unknown is the scariest thing to think about. And my heart was consumed with fear. And then, around Christmas time, A called to tell me she was expecting. I became bitterly angry. How could God do this to me? Matt and I had followed protocol to being a family...we had finished college, gotten married, started jobs, desired a family. And here God decides to shake things up and give A a baby? After about a month of wallowing in self pity, God began a great work in my spirit. Until this experience, I don't know that I had ever fully surrendered anything to Christ. I realized that I cannot fix this, LOML cannot fix this, and the only other place to turn is to the cross. This is a constant battle. A daily fight within our spirits. Although we still have our fears, I KNOW the Lord is doing something BIG. And he has used Baby B to get me to a mind changing place...a place in which I am not in control and there is peace in that knowledge. God knit me together and created me with a purpose. With intention. In that I will trust but continue to pray that God would incline His ear to our prayers. I think He already is.

Pass me not, o gentle Savior.
Hear my humble cry.
While on others thou art calling,
do not pass me by.