battle of the will

growing up attending a "christian" school from fifth grade on, it was always stressed how important it was to have a daily devotion, a quiet time. you were made to feel guilty if you didn't spend that 10 minutes a day with God. afterall, that's all God wants from you...just 10 minutes a day, talking to Him, reading about Him, listening for Him. i had the hardest time following through every day. i felt like i was letting God down because i didn't pray enough or memorize enough Bible verses. it was awhile before i matured in my faith enough to know that God doesn't desire a relationship like that from me. He doesn't want my obligation, He wants my admiration. He longs for me to search for Him with my whole heart.

oswald chambers' my utmost for his highest has always put things into perspective for me. i have read through it numerous times and there is always something new to learn. in yesterday's reading, he said, "think of the last thing you prayed about- were you devoted to your desire or devoted to God?" eventually, i believe that i will share more specifically what the Love of My Life and i have been wading through for the past three years (longer than our whole marriage even!). but suffices it to say for now, that the suffering we have endured, the trials we have been walking through, have evoked more prayers than can be counted. i have always recognized how fortunate i am to be able to rest in God's plan for me (you know the verses- jeremiah 29:11, romans 8:28)...but i cannot say with confidence that my prayers have been out of devotion to God rather than devotion to my own will. i ask and plead that God do things a certain way...when really, He has had it planned all along, no matter what i pray. since He pieced me together inside of my mother, and with careful calculation, He predetermined these struggles. i should never pray, expectingly. i should pray that i might know God more.

i find great comfort in the words of c.s. lewis, "God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain, but without stain." life is certainly not about my weaknesses but about God's strength.